Ever Wonder… What Plants Are Thinking?

It fills me with grief, the way people treat plants these days. I mean, would you feed compost to your pet dog?

Save the whale, eat coconuts! Why chicken, when you can have soy? What did those innocent plants ever do to us to deserve this sort of treatment? If anything, they are helping us by producing oxygen, which those blasted animals steal by breathing.

How do you think those poor plants in your living room feel when they see you feasting on the desecrated carcasses their relatives? Shame on you! And by what demented trick of the devil did we ever think that courting women with the dismembered limbs of these harmless creatures was romantic.

Reverse the situation for a second, “Hi, is that Toes & Fingers? Hello, my name is Cabbage. I want a bouquet of two dozen feet, fresh smelly ones please, 6 nipples and 5 gall bladders delivered to my girlfriend, Rosebud. Oh, and please throw some hair in there to make the bouquet look a bit bigger! The address is 103 Graveyard View…”

Have you even realized that you refrigerator is one of bloodiest crime scenes in history? That’s how cold you have become! Yeah, the authorities might not care either, but do be careful. You never know when that sweet money plant in your bedroom will go vigilante on you and avenge her extended family’s massacre. Have you ever spared a moment to think about how she feels? What do you think is going on in her mind? You’ve scarred her for life!

What about poor Aloe Vera? What must she be thinking? Think about that.

We cry fowl over one black buck, but turn a blind eye towards the genocide that occurs regularly in those killing fields we call farm lands. What’s worse, some of us even go so far as to take pleasure in consuming the fermented blood of these poor creatures. A moment of silence please, for Barley and Grape Vine.

Then there is poor Marijuana. What has he ever done to deserve his reputation? Or Tobacco even. We kill them. We desecrate their remains. We enjoy breathing the smoke of that pathetic excuse of a funeral pyre that we call a cigarette.

I wonder… do plants have ghosts? What would you do if the ghosts of you wardrobe and its unholy contents visited you tonight? Say a prayer before you sleep tonight. Is there a plant heaven? I know there is a plant hell. It’s called Gujrat.

I know I might come across a bit over zealous, but please understand. Someone has to take a stand. Someone has to protest against all those half naked women that sadistically prance around wearing the severed limbs of some poor plants, while carrying cardboard plaques (any idea where cardboard comes form?) that read “Save The Panda.” Save Panda? That cold hearted murderer?
The next time you head to the bazaar with the intention of (my leafy friends please forgive me for repeating this evil expression) stocking up your fridge, take a minute and think about your sweet helpless money plant. After all, you don’t have a pet goat at home now do you?