The club was almost empty last evening. Just a few confused souls sprinkled here and there. In this recession though there thrived enough diversity for me to get thinking. Just how many types of drinkers are there? I asked the waiter for a pen and a piece of paper and started jotting down my observations. Here’s what I got.
The Angry Young Man: Generally sit at the bar waiting for somebody to look his way so he can throw back a threatening scornful look. Will usually consume vast amounts of alcohol just to prove his instability.
The Nice Guy: The smiley chap who, more often than not, gets mistaken for being gay just because he smiles a lot. The nice guys and the angry young men should never make first contact at the bar.
The Sugar Daddy: He’s pushing 50 and has replaced the mirror in his house with an old photograph of himself 30 years back. This one loves chatting and dancing. Nice chap? My ass! He’d sleep with your bed-ridden grandmother given half the chance!
The Actor: A fashion street version of ultimate cool. This guy’s on camera 24x7. He needs a scriptwriter, accent trainer and a serious knock on his head.
The Braggart: Been there and done that! Where and what only he knows. A wizard at weaving verbal compost, this guy some how manages to lap up fans by the hordes. Notice that the braggart will never score you a drink.
The Dancing Queen: He gay, funloving, flirtations, loves to dance and has around 5 seconds to live if he looks at the angry young man again.
The Quiet Girl: Would be more at home in a bookstore. She kinda lost and is about to be befriended by a well-rehearsed Braggart. Every now and then she glances the way of the nice guy not realizing the smile on his face is a permanent fixture… much to the dismay of the braggart.
The Look at Me: She’s young, kinda hot (not that hot) and loves attention. Usually is accompanied by a budding Sugar Daddy and a bunch of less goodl ooking girlfriends. Known to stand on the bar, shake booty (occasionally with girlfriends) and throw hungry stares at every male in the club.
The Loner: Was a nice guy once, until the ‘gay’ comments got to him. Now he’s just 2 steps away from becoming an Angry Young Man
The DJ's Friends: They are young, broke and seek attention. Always lurk around the DJ cabin in the hope that the ‘cool’ factor rubs off on them. Usually act as the buffer between the DJ and any request seekers.
The Teenagers: How did they get in? Five sips down and they’ve already locked horns with the angry young men. Teenagers can make a bottle of beer last the entire night and still manage to get drunk enough to vomit on the nice guy. Careful though, don’t mess with them or they will tell their parents.
The Explorer: This guy just can’t stay in one place. He will keep bouncing between the different spots in the club in search of a better time, dragging a bunch of frustrated looking friends along. A potential club hopper is he wasn’t broke. Addicted to Look at Me.
The Club Hopper: Rich, Drunk and loud! Usually announces his/her next destination while still on the premises of any club. Attention seeker. Gets along with Look At Mes.
Will occasionally confront Angry Young Men and make a get away before surgery is required.
The Juicers: No alcohol please. The more drunk we are, the smarter they look. Sole purpose of their presence at the club is to drive you home later when you’re totally plastered.
Like I said, the club was almost empty. The science of drinker classification is quite young. Any contributions that you can make through your observations and insights would be most appreciated.
The Angry Young Man: Generally sit at the bar waiting for somebody to look his way so he can throw back a threatening scornful look. Will usually consume vast amounts of alcohol just to prove his instability.
The Nice Guy: The smiley chap who, more often than not, gets mistaken for being gay just because he smiles a lot. The nice guys and the angry young men should never make first contact at the bar.
The Sugar Daddy: He’s pushing 50 and has replaced the mirror in his house with an old photograph of himself 30 years back. This one loves chatting and dancing. Nice chap? My ass! He’d sleep with your bed-ridden grandmother given half the chance!
The Actor: A fashion street version of ultimate cool. This guy’s on camera 24x7. He needs a scriptwriter, accent trainer and a serious knock on his head.
The Braggart: Been there and done that! Where and what only he knows. A wizard at weaving verbal compost, this guy some how manages to lap up fans by the hordes. Notice that the braggart will never score you a drink.
The Dancing Queen: He gay, funloving, flirtations, loves to dance and has around 5 seconds to live if he looks at the angry young man again.
The Quiet Girl: Would be more at home in a bookstore. She kinda lost and is about to be befriended by a well-rehearsed Braggart. Every now and then she glances the way of the nice guy not realizing the smile on his face is a permanent fixture… much to the dismay of the braggart.
The Look at Me: She’s young, kinda hot (not that hot) and loves attention. Usually is accompanied by a budding Sugar Daddy and a bunch of less goodl ooking girlfriends. Known to stand on the bar, shake booty (occasionally with girlfriends) and throw hungry stares at every male in the club.
The Loner: Was a nice guy once, until the ‘gay’ comments got to him. Now he’s just 2 steps away from becoming an Angry Young Man
The DJ's Friends: They are young, broke and seek attention. Always lurk around the DJ cabin in the hope that the ‘cool’ factor rubs off on them. Usually act as the buffer between the DJ and any request seekers.
The Teenagers: How did they get in? Five sips down and they’ve already locked horns with the angry young men. Teenagers can make a bottle of beer last the entire night and still manage to get drunk enough to vomit on the nice guy. Careful though, don’t mess with them or they will tell their parents.
The Explorer: This guy just can’t stay in one place. He will keep bouncing between the different spots in the club in search of a better time, dragging a bunch of frustrated looking friends along. A potential club hopper is he wasn’t broke. Addicted to Look at Me.
The Club Hopper: Rich, Drunk and loud! Usually announces his/her next destination while still on the premises of any club. Attention seeker. Gets along with Look At Mes.
Will occasionally confront Angry Young Men and make a get away before surgery is required.
The Juicers: No alcohol please. The more drunk we are, the smarter they look. Sole purpose of their presence at the club is to drive you home later when you’re totally plastered.
Like I said, the club was almost empty. The science of drinker classification is quite young. Any contributions that you can make through your observations and insights would be most appreciated.
Thanks guys.
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Nice ones! What about the bouncer? He's not the regular customer but sneaks in a few drinks before his shift (and probably some in between). Lonely and fedup of his monotonous job, will try to rub some of his misery on you if you dance alone on the floor. Big, fat, strong but easy to beat at tic tac toe...
ReplyDeletehaha! spot on Noah. spoilt sports those. here are a couple more :)
ReplyDeleteThe Smoker: Often mistaken for Nice Guys, Angry Young Men, Dancing Queens or Juicers, depending on what they are tripping on.
The With The Boss: You'll generally find a couple of these creatures flocked around the Boss (for Boss ref Braggart), polishing every word that comes out of his dental aid needing mouth. Harmless really.
The Furniture: Has been here everyday since the club was opened. Is always the last to leave, much to the dismay of the tired staff. Morphs into the Angry Young Man in the presence of the Club Hopper or the Teenager.
thanks irmao n do keep em coming:)
This post is surely the result of lots of time spent at close quarters with all of the above.... which brings me to the most important question.... which category do you fall in?
ReplyDelete