Ever Wonder... What Your Cigarette Is Thinking?

We force them to live in tiny, overcrowed spaces. We burn them for our own pleasure, and trade them like nobody's business. Lincon would be shocked! But do you ever stop to think, what is that helpless cigratte of yours thinking? If it could talk, what would it say? ... really.

Sharing a smoke: "Hey! The b****** don't brush! Put your mouth there first!"

Gotta go to the loo: "Do you take everyone you kiss here? (No wonder you're alone at 3 am. Loser.)"

She just went down on him: "I'm gonna die in a couple of minutes (mighty courteous of you). But you... hahaha... welcome to the world of herpies."

You stub it before it's finished: "Hey, I'm not done yet! No wonder she left you."

You stuff lights in a hards packet: "Gulp!"

You prefer dube: "Hey, my butt's natural!"

You stamp it when it's done: "Kiss me when you want something. Kick me when I'm down. You'd make a great politician."

You don't light it properly: "If you don't even know how to turn me on properly, you're obviously going to suck like crazy!"

You empty the ashtray: "Someday somebody will throw your damn ashes in the dustbin too. You B******!"

You've pissed it off: "I'm gona kill you if it's the last thing I do!"

You have a smoke with the boss: "Just how many butts are ya gona kiss today anyway?"

The post-sex cigarette: "Why the heck does Cigar get to have all the fun? Damn you Bill!"

Well, that's what I think anyway :) Time to light up.

Ever Wonder… What Plants Are Thinking?

It fills me with grief, the way people treat plants these days. I mean, would you feed compost to your pet dog?

Save the whale, eat coconuts! Why chicken, when you can have soy? What did those innocent plants ever do to us to deserve this sort of treatment? If anything, they are helping us by producing oxygen, which those blasted animals steal by breathing.

How do you think those poor plants in your living room feel when they see you feasting on the desecrated carcasses their relatives? Shame on you! And by what demented trick of the devil did we ever think that courting women with the dismembered limbs of these harmless creatures was romantic.

Reverse the situation for a second, “Hi, is that Toes & Fingers? Hello, my name is Cabbage. I want a bouquet of two dozen feet, fresh smelly ones please, 6 nipples and 5 gall bladders delivered to my girlfriend, Rosebud. Oh, and please throw some hair in there to make the bouquet look a bit bigger! The address is 103 Graveyard View…”

Have you even realized that you refrigerator is one of bloodiest crime scenes in history? That’s how cold you have become! Yeah, the authorities might not care either, but do be careful. You never know when that sweet money plant in your bedroom will go vigilante on you and avenge her extended family’s massacre. Have you ever spared a moment to think about how she feels? What do you think is going on in her mind? You’ve scarred her for life!

What about poor Aloe Vera? What must she be thinking? Think about that.

We cry fowl over one black buck, but turn a blind eye towards the genocide that occurs regularly in those killing fields we call farm lands. What’s worse, some of us even go so far as to take pleasure in consuming the fermented blood of these poor creatures. A moment of silence please, for Barley and Grape Vine.

Then there is poor Marijuana. What has he ever done to deserve his reputation? Or Tobacco even. We kill them. We desecrate their remains. We enjoy breathing the smoke of that pathetic excuse of a funeral pyre that we call a cigarette.

I wonder… do plants have ghosts? What would you do if the ghosts of you wardrobe and its unholy contents visited you tonight? Say a prayer before you sleep tonight. Is there a plant heaven? I know there is a plant hell. It’s called Gujrat.

I know I might come across a bit over zealous, but please understand. Someone has to take a stand. Someone has to protest against all those half naked women that sadistically prance around wearing the severed limbs of some poor plants, while carrying cardboard plaques (any idea where cardboard comes form?) that read “Save The Panda.” Save Panda? That cold hearted murderer?
The next time you head to the bazaar with the intention of (my leafy friends please forgive me for repeating this evil expression) stocking up your fridge, take a minute and think about your sweet helpless money plant. After all, you don’t have a pet goat at home now do you?

Ever Wonder… What it’s like to be super thin?

I'm 29 years old and have a waist to match! Majority of the world’s population lives on the far side of the weighing scale and look to have dedicated their lives to ensuring health magazines turn phenomenal profits.

Being thin is not easy. Modern day courtesy demands one be polite while talking of matters that concern human horizontally expansion. We the horizontally challenged however, receive no such mercies.

Being super thin does have its advantages though. No, these have nothing to do with those fictional snippets you come across in beauty magazines. I’m talking about stuff like…

· We can wear anyone’s clothes and pass it off for the Hip Hop look.

· No train or elevator is ever too crowded.

· We have an arsenal of 10 fat jokes to fire back at every thin joke thrown at us.

· Cellulite and cholesterol are just words for us.

· If I was on a boat that was sinking due to excessive passenger weight, I'd be the last person that they would throw overboard.

· Over the years, I've collected a small fortune in coins that people flip my way while saying, "Put this in your pocket to ensure you don’t don't fly away." Keep them coming please; I need a new pair of sneakers.

· For some reason most people think it to be their moral duty to pick up our tab.

· It’s never you that passed gas.

· Unlike most mortals, we do not have to waste energy on opening doors fully.

· If we ever get into a war, there is no chance in hell of us being drafted and sent to the front. (Coward you say? Yes, and blinking proud of it! Thank you.)

· Further elaborating on the above point. With all the 18-inch bicep flaunting competition being sent off to the front, I'd be left with a wide selection of attention craving senoritas to choose from. (Sleazy, opportunistic coward? Yup :)

Yeah, it's great to be a super thin!